


Sing Me A Little Song

by Cat (ActualBuckyBarnes)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Brainwashing, Bucky Is Cinnamon Roll, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fluff, From A Person Who's Not An Expert, Happy Ending, M/M, Natasha Is A Cinnamon Roll, So If I Do It Wrong Please Correct Me, Somewhat sad, The Ending Is So Fluffy I Can't Even, Wow Why Is That Such An Uncommon Tag, tony stark is a special snowflake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActualBuckyBarnes/pseuds/Cat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some battles are like songs.</p><p>Some are like scars; just as fresh as the wounds they tear.</p><p>Sometimes fighting can be musical in the sound of bullets firing, the sound of skin hitting its brother. Those were the memories that the Soldier clung to- music. Music, the beat of a song. The movement of notes as they flew through the air.</p><p>The ones that fought their way to the surface, though, those were not music. Those were cacophonous. Unruly. Out of time, out of tune.</p><p>A melody or two, that's what The Soldier tried to keep with it. The last bits of a consciousness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sing Me A Little Song

Some battles are like songs.

Some are like scars; just as fresh as the wounds they tear.

Sometimes fighting can be musical in the sound of bullets firing, the sound of skin hitting its brother. Those were the memories that the Soldier clung to- music. Music, the beat of a song. The movement of notes as they flew through the air.

The ones that fought their way to the surface, though, those were not music. Those were cacophonous. Unruly. Out of time, out of tune.

A melody or two, that's what The Soldier tried to keep with it. The last bits of a consciousness.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine._

_You make me happy, when skies are grey._

It sounded like an old stereo, one that was very out-dated in a HYDRA facility. The beat was light and yet somehow nostalgic and dark.

_You'll never know, dear, how much I love you._

_Please don't take_

_My sunshine_

_Away._

The Soldier wanted to know what the song meant. Surely it couldn't have been literal? But, the Soldier had never known anything else.

It wanted to know who was the sunshine. Surely, someone precious. Surely, it was someone the song's writer had wanted to keep close.

Wanting had been a dangerous thing for as long as the Soldier could remember.

Now, though, the Soldier was free. And freedom was dangerous.

Although, now, the Soldier was realizing that, perhaps, safety was an illusion. A ploy to convince children not to go too close to that cliff, not to lean on that railing. And the Soldier was realizing that it had never been safe. It had always been on the run, endangering itself for the sake of the only thing it had known.

And that's the tragedy- HYDRA was the only thing the Soldier had known. Only crushing control, obeying orders, outsmarting tests.

So why was the redhead looking at it like a kicked puppy?

"Bucky," The blue-eyed one started. The Soldier looked at Blue Eyes attentively. Was Blue Eyes its new handler? Red Head? Goggles?

"Готов выполнить." The Soldier said, breaking the silence. It placed a knife on the table to arm his new handler, whoever that may have been. The words didn't have a taste on his tongue. They were automatic, and left Red Head looking a bit sick.

The song floated through his head.

_You are my sunshine..._

Blue Eyes suddenly looked almost angry, in a sense. The Soldier wondered what it had done wrong, and how it would be punished.

"Please remember," Blue Eyes pleaded.

"He will. Give him time." Red Head said gently, taking Blue Eyes into the hallway. Goggles looked at the Soldier.

"Look. I know he's really attached to you. I'll give you some time to heal. But I want you to understand that if you attempt to hurt Steve I will end you. Got it?" There was no room for movement in his voice. The Soldier nodded.

So Blue Eyes' name was Steve?

Why did it sound familiar?

The man on the bridge. His old mission.

Steven Grant Rogers.

Captain America.

Was his handler?

The Soldier thought that maybe it was actually Red Head, and she seemed familiar enough. So it must be her.

Captain America- Steve- was his mission.

"Okay, I'm on first watch." The Red Head said in a commanding voice, sounding like she'd been fighting with Steve. He must have heard the stubbornness in her tone, because he stepped away and held his hands up in mock surrender, walking away.

"Hello, James Buchanon Barnes. That is your name. Mine is Natalia Alianova Romanova. Most people call me Natasha. We've met." She said, smiling. The smile faded, though, when the Soldier slid the dagger toward her.

"I am not going to put you down. You are not being handled. Not being controlled. I know, this is a lot to take in. I was in the same situation." She said, dragging a bean-bag chair from the corner. The room itself was extremely comfortable, with a single bed and a group of bean-bag chairs in the corner, all of different colors. It had a window, which was barred. The vents were blocked off. The Soldier took a moment to look around the room.

"You've noticed those contraptions?" She asked, pointing to the vents and the window, "It's not to keep you locked in- the door's always open. It's to stop you from jumping." A grim smile returned to her face, "I know. I tried anyway, the first time I remembered everything I'd done."

"Как вы помните?" The Soldier asked. _How did you remember?_ Those words had weight, and left anticipation on his tongue.

"песни," Natalia replied in perfect Russian, "Там просто что-то о них, что легко запомнить." _Songs. There's just something about them that's easy to remember._

"You are my sunshine," The words left the Soldier's mouth without warning. It- he?- immediately snapped its mouth shut, but Natalia was... smiling?

"My only sunshine," Her voice was high and clear. The Soldier sang the rest of the words, in the tune. Natalia joined, giving encouraging glances to one another.

"The song that I held was a lullaby." Natalia said. She said 'held' instead of 'remembered'. Because something both the Soldier and she knew was that there was no remembering in that place.

"Спи, младенец мой прекрасный, Баюшки-баю. Тихо смотрит месяц ясный, В колыбель твою. Стану сказывать я сказки, Песенку спою; Ты ж дремли, закрывши глазки, Баюшки-баю." She sang, the melody sweet and simple. The Soldier nodded along.

"Why don't you get a bean-bag?" She asked, this time her voice leaving room for choice. But old habits die hard. The Soldier did not move, did not speak. It was a taunt. _I have will, you do not_.

"I'm serious, they're comfy," She pressed, "Of course, it's entirely up to you. You've got a will now. You can do what you want. Do what you _want_ to. Go out and buy some goddamn plums if it'll make you happy." She smiled, "That's what's beautiful about this place. You can do what you want- no more handlers. No more people one Level above you, smirking as you flounder."

"Okay," The first English the Soldier had spoken in a long time- its own words. His own words.

"Good," Natalia replied without skipping a beat.

"Is there more music?" The Soldier asked. Natalia nodded, grinning widely.

"Grab a bean-bag. I'll be back soon." Natalia disappeared in ten seconds. The Soldier sat in a bean-bag. She was right. They were comfortable.

He thought. The name 'Soldier' didn't fit him- not anymore. Natalia had showed him something he'd not had before; an identity.

Maybe Bucky did suit him. Maybe staying at the Potomac would pay off, even if it was just an instinct. And hey, at least they didn't stick him in a cell. Or at least they gave him a fancy one.

"Oh, you've got yourself a bean-bag!" Natalia was still smiling as she sat down, "Y'know, it took me weeks to trust them enough to sit in one."

Maybe it was just that she seemed like someone you'd have to spend years to get them to trust you. Maybe that's why Bucky chose the bean-bag.

"This is a cell-phone. It can store a whole ton of songs, but I've started you off with ten older ones. I don't want to overwhelm you." She said, placing the cell-phone in front of him and a pair of headphones.

"I honestly prefer earbuds, but I'm afraid you'll try to make a noose out of them. I was really suicidal that first month." Her smile turned apologetic, and Bucky wanted to do something to make her happy.

"I'm sure it wasn't your fault." Bucky said softly. Natalia glanced up.

"Thank you," She said, "I'm sure it wasn't your fault either."

They both kept the _I'm sure it was_ to themselves.

.o0o.

Natalia stayed with Bucky until the second it was time for another to take his place. Blue Eyes- _Steve_ \- looked like he had _not_ slept like Natalia had wanted him to.

"He's making progress," Natalia said. Steve looked like he couldn't have been happier.

"Thanks, Nat," He said, bringing her into a hug.

"Any time, grandpa." She said, wrapping her arms around Steve. As she headed out, her eyes became harder, her demeanor almost impenetrable, and Bucky knew why she was feared.

"Did Nat bore you to death?" Steve asked, plopping down in a bean-bag chair. Bucky jumped a bit at the sudden movement, and Steve was apologizing immediately.

"Don't apologize, I'm fine," Bucky lied through his teeth. Lying was something new to him as well, but he was a quick learner.

"What's that?" Steve looked at the phone.

"Natalia said it was a cell-phone." Bucky shrugged. Steve scrolled through the music list and the contacts list.

"Okay, this is my number and this one is Sam's." Steve pointed them out, "That's the other guy who was in here."

Fantastic. Another name for Bucky to remember. 

Sarcasm was new, too, but Natalia assured him it was essential to surviving in this new world- much like lying.

"I think you'd enjoy this band," Steve said, pulling up the band _Imagine Dragons_ and putting some of their music on a playlist.

Bucky turned on a song, _Radioactive_ and the chords began to play. There was something almost magical about them, they resonated through Bucky's body, leaving him only for the next to wrack through his body.

_I'm waking up, to ash and dust. I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust. I'm breathing in the chemicals. I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus. This is it, the apocalypse._

Bucky switched the song off and let the lyrics wash over him another time. It was intense and addicting, the feeling of rebellion it instilled in him.

"Did you like it?" Steve inquired. Bucky nodded, grinning.

"I'm glad." Steve smiled back, almost as if he couldn't smile wider. The smile made something flash through Bucky- a group of names. But this time they had meaning.

"You- you're Steve." Bucky gaped. Howling Commandos. Frenchie. Gabe. Dum-dum. Peggy.

 _Bucky_.

"I'm Bucky." Bucky murmured, looking down at his clothes. White t-shirt and sweats.

"Do you remember?" Steve asked, eyes shining. The eyes caused another ripple of memories to tear through Bucky.

"Your mom's name was Sarah. You used to wear newspapers in your shoes. We were in the 107th together. I- I fell from the t-train... I- I..." Bucky shuddered. Steve immediately moved in closer, but Bucky pushed him away. He felt like he was suffocating.

"Your eyes. They're exactly the same." Bucky gasped, breathless. He was backed in the corner, holding his hands out in a defensive position.

"Yeah- yeah, Buck, just the same." Steve said reassuringly, holding his hands in the same defensive position. It just reminded Bucky of what he was- something to be contained, something that needed to be defended from, not something that should be protected itself.

"You're bigger. Why are you bigger?" Bucky asked.

"Serum. Remember?" Steve asked. Bucky couldn't fight another wave of memories.

Scientists. HYDRA. War.

Steve. Couch cushion forts.

_"I'm with you 'til the end of the line."_

"I'm with you 'til the end of the line," Bucky said without meaning to. Steve immediately dropped his guard, stepping forward.

"Are you okay with me hugging you?" Steve asked. Bucky shook his head- no touch had been good for as long as he could think back. The memories were no longer pleasant, they were overwhelming. Red. Blood. Blue. Steve's eyes. His laugh. Blood. More blood. Death. Mountains of bodies.

All Bucky's fault.

Suddenly, Natalia made a lot more sense.

"I- I'm a monster." Bucky knew that was certain.

"No, Buck." Steve assured, "You were brain-washed. Tortured. Made to believe anything and everything. Remember, everything the Winter Soldier did, there were two victims. The one in front of the gun and the one behind the trigger."

The room was silent for a long time. Bucky slowly felt his heart slow down.

"Can I have that hug now?" Bucky's voice sounded how he felt- on the edge of tears.

"Always." Steve said, closing the gap between his body and his best friend's.

"I missed ya, punk."

"Jerk."

.o0o.

The first time Bucky was let out (the freedom was a pretty BS lie, the door wasn't locked but if he went outside there were security guards _everywhere_ and he couldn't get past the fucking elevator) was to go to his trial.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" The judge asked.

"Yes," Bucky agreed, raising his right hand.

Bucky was honest, although he was sure he could've gotten away with lies. He didn't feel the need to lie- either way, he'd be sentenced as guilty, right? Or at least, that's what the public seemed to want.

Steve and Sam testified, too. Steve seemed nearly robotic- although it was to stop himself from doing something that definitely would've made headlines. Sam seemed human, at least, and delivered 7.3 sarcastic remarks Bucky was actually proud of- seemed like Steve had chosen a nice bunch.

Tony Stark testified about his parents and their death, about how he would never dream of pressing charges- as it wasn't Bucky's fault.

"As for the absolute assholes who brainwashed and tortured Mr. Barnes into murdering my parents, well, I can't say I'd go so easy on them." Tony smiled darkly, letting himself out in what Bucky thought was true Stark fashion.

It wasn't until the tapes arrived, though, that things truly looked up. The taped contained years of not just Bucky, but Natalia and several others who weren't so lucky, being tortured and brainwashed.

"This might've been useful during my trial. Someone from SHIELD actually had to do some paying off to get me out of that place without charges." Natalia said, looking at the tape. It seemed so unassuming when it was just laying there, as if it hadn't just saved Bucky from death- it somehow cemented, even to himself, that he was truly unresponsible for what had happened.

.o0o.

"Strange, isn't it," Bucky asked Natalia one night, "That someone can have seen so much and yet be so unbroken?"

"On the contrary," Natalia rebutted, "I think we're broken. We're just so much so that there's nothing left to break."

_Nothing left to break._

.o0o.

Bucky had learned so many things about the people around him; Sam was protecting Steve and usually not mean. Tony was surprisingly fun to be around. Pepper was overly-mothering. Natalia was always up to prank Clint, who was 80% deaf. Bruce was quiet and was resiliently calm. Steve had changed, and not just physically. He had this sort of bravado that he held, his persona sometimes carrying into his personal life. Rhodey knew what it was like to be in the military. Sam was in the VA and was a huge fan of therapy- which was surprisingly helpful. Wanda treated Clint like a father figure and Vision like a romantic interest. Vision was always up for a night with Bucky and Steve to try and figure out the modern world- or the world in general.

So many things were different about the future, too. There were almost too many choices for everything- hell, even getting yogurt was an experience to be reckoned with.

So obviously deciding on which art supplies to get Steve for their anniversary was a fucking nightmare.

"Lookin' for something?" An old woman asked.

"Uh- yes," Bucky replied, swallowing. He wasn't used to other people very much- he mostly stayed inside anyway- but he wanted to surprise Steve.

"Something for your fiancée?" The woman asked, "I bet she's very pretty."

"Um, yeah, I'd say he is." Bucky grinned, "He's into art. Where are your sketching supplies?"

"Oh, dear, I didn't mean to assume," The woman grinned a slightly toothless grin, "This way." She lead him through the store to the aisle full of different colored pencils and pens and different thicknesses of sketching paper and charcoal and so many other things it made Bucky's head spin. Bucky tried to get the right kind of everything for Steve, but he just couldn't figure it out.

Then something clicked in Bucky's head. He went into another aisle and picked up his gift.

_Their first kiss had been Bucky's fault. In his defense, he'd thought that he and Steve had been dating- and really, can you blame him? Natalia told him they were. And it's not like Steve had cared. They'd spent so much time together, and perhaps it was the years apart that made them realize just how much they meant to each other._

.o0o.

"Do you know how much music means to me?" Bucky asked Steve that night. Tony had made a note to leave the two geysers alone to their happiness in their floor of the penthouse. When Steve shook his head, Bucky continued.

"Music was the first thing that came back to me, the thing that made me stay by you at the Potomac. And god, if ever there was a decision I'm glad I made, it's that."

Bucky started to sing.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,"

Have you ever tried to remember a time when you couldn't remember something? Try it now. Try to remember a time before you knew your best friend. You can't, can you? You're aware that there was a time before you knew your best friend existed, a time when they were just a face in a crowd. But now, you can't picture not knowing that face smiling at you, their eyes shining, swimming with them or sledding with them or whatever the hell you two get up to. Bucky can't recall a time when he didn't know what that song meant. He knew it happened, he knew that's why he stayed at the Potomac. Steve was sunshine. The Soldier wasn't going to leave the sunshine.

"You make me happy, when skies are grey,"

The song's chords still washed over them both, dragging them back to a time before time. Back to when they were both sixteen-year-olds in Brooklyn. Back when Steve was a misfit because he was underappreciated, not idolized. Back when they were both kids just waiting for the next meal.

"You'll never know, dear, how much I love you,"

They loved each other until the end of time, they both knew that. Bucky was infinitely grateful that he'd gotten to share this love story with Steve. Especially when they'd messed it up the first time.

"Please don't take, my sunshine, away."

They'd never leave each other.

_"'Til the end of the line."_

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that I have never experienced Dissociative Identity Disorder like Bucky in the first part of the ficlet. Please feel free to correct me if I've done anything that you feel is incorrect, even if it's not about the Dissociative Identity Disorder.


End file.
